The A Girls Archive

The mother hung up the phone and screamed her normal line up cry, “Girls! Get down here!” She waited and then screamed, “Right this minute!” After thirty more seconds passed without noise she added, “I will ground your butts!”

The girls lined up ready for any number of things. The mother, exasperated and confused, slumped into a desk chair and plead, “Why did you three pee on Mr. Hoagard’s porch rug? What could you have been thinking?”

Alma immediately asked in response, “Why should he get special treatment?”

April chuckled at that and added, “Cause he a fucked up bastard that’s why. He was askin for it! Do it again in a heartbeat muthas!” And she raised both arms to the ceiling as if she were at a rock concert.

A quiet came across the room as Alice began to shake and cry. “It was an accident! I didn’t mean to do it. I don’t know what’s wrong!”

The mother looked at Alice and was as disconcerted as the sisters at this stoic girl’s collapse. Alma shifted her feet and admitted, “It’s that medicine you gave her. Since she’s been taking it she has to pee more.”

Alice snapped her head to stare a hole into Alma, “What the hell? You keep track of when I pee? Sicko!”

The mother grabbed the prescription and read the bottle. “Yeah. I guess that is a diuretic. Wow. Sorry Alice. I didn’t realize. Your little body just gave out on you! Oh poor girl! That had to be embarrassing.”

April had been looking at Alma since the term “sicko” had been stapled to her, “You notice all that shit don’t you?”

Alma sighed heavily, “Yeah. It sucks.”

“How long were you gonna let her pee like that?” April asked starting to laugh and Alice began to ball a fist hearing the question.

“I didn’t know it was that bad. Do you think I’d sympathy piss on a rug for kicks?”

April shrugged, “I did.”

The mother stood and walked across the room to look out of a window and think. “You are so ready to fight each other but when something hurts one, you pull together like magnets. You are weird children but you are right, he is a real ass. I cannot believe I am saying this but girls please do not pee on people’s rugs anymore.”

The mother went out of the room and April, building a case for squatters’ rights with profanity, whispered to Alma, “I totally got an F-word for free outta this. You catch that? Keep track of that for me will ya?”

“What the hell is going on with you?” April’s concern was evident before she even spoke as she had kicked Alma in the side of the head.

“I was looking at a turtle and if you ever do that again I will rip your damned leg off. Now, what in the sam hill are you talking about.”

“I heard that you were going out with Ricky this weekend.” April folded her arms as if this information was enough to cause a boot to the head.

“Yeah I am. He asked and I thought it was a decent idea. What’s your problem?”

“For starters he is a loser. He is not good enough for you. He is boring. He is an ass and he is not worth your time. If you marry him I will kick you in the face. God will hurt you if you breed with him. I cannot believe how low your standards are. You cannot date that jerk.” April continued to hold her arms around her body and shifted in her shoes.

“Listen Ape, I have my reasons and he is not all that bad.” Alma gave up looking for the turtle and stood upright.

“But he is boring. Give me that at least.” Alma nodded at April, “I’ll give you that.”

Alice pulled up at the end of the walk and the girls loaded into the car. “I hear you’re going out with Ricky this weekend. His daddy’s the one with the explosives in the basement right?”

Alma looked out of the back passenger window, “Yeah.”

“Well damn Alma. Why didn’t you say so to start?” April put a hand back to Alma in a gesture of pure love, “I would never have kicked you in the head if I knew you were going to blow stuff up. I am sorry, Alma.”

“S’okay. I blowing up your last ex-boyfriend’s boat.” All three girls nodded understanding as wind from the road messed their hair.

“Technically, it’s a dingy not a boat. And why are you going to blow it up anyway?” April asked Alma about her intentions a few days after accepting the inevitable.

“I know what it is and I am blowing it up because I need to make some noise off shore and some light too. Got fireworks to go on top and a timing mechanism that’s outta sight. Just have to figure out how to get it out on the lake and swim back to shore before she blows. Any ideas?”

April considered this, “Have you asked Alice? I think she’ll know.”

Alma rolled her eyes until it hurt, “She’s angry with me for that bug incident.”

“I’ll do it. Be right back.” April ran up the stairs to Alice’s fortress and ignoring all set and written rules jumped into her room without knocking.

“What up meanie? Hey, got a problem for you . . .”

Alice turned a page in her romance novel and without looking up said, “You get another boat and tow the one you’re going to leave.”

“Oh yeah, great thinkin’ meanie.” April headed out but not without feeling the brunt of a penny loafer to her shoulder.

Later at the corner ice cream shop, Alma and old Besty sat to chat over chocolate sodas.

“So why do you need my brother’s canoe?” Betsy sipped her ice cream soda completely oblivious to the reason it was bought for her.

Alma bit her lip and redirected the conversation, “So Betsy, you have plans for the fourth?”

“Yeah! We’re going to my uncle’s in Idaho and . . .” Alma stopped listening and waited until words ceased leaking out of Betsy to ask one last question.

Upon returning home Alma set out to sharpen her tools. “Why you getting the lock picks ready? Oh come on, just let me help. I’m bored.” April had finished a large glass of red pop and was quite energized. “It’s the fourth right? A little stereotypical isn’t it?”

“Plausible deniability.” Alma said and both girls got to cleaning the set.

Alice came downstairs to refresh her tea and the girls looked up at her concerned. “Uhm, can you be more obvious?”

Alma, by way of distraction, piped up, “We need a wagon. Kiss some boy April and get a wagon. We have to get the canoe to the water.”

Both girls looked at Alice expecting a zinger for April to whine over but none came.

“Come on Alice. That’s right up your alley and an easy one too.” Alma encouraged the normalcy of their sibling rivalry and April, forever giving of herself in so many ways added, “Yeah! Where’s my whore joke?”

Alice took her tea and headed back for the stairs, “Just not myself yet I guess. I suppose I don’t want to know what you two are really up to anyway hunh? Dingy for fireworks my bum.”

After she’d gone Alma and April shared a look and a nod. No better pep talk had ever crossed their paths.

“You still have those brass knuckles, Alma?”

“Yep. Top drawer of my desk.”

“If you can see, can you tell me which girl you think it was?’ The uniformed officer was gentle with the boy and tried to keep from wincing when he looked at his young mangled face.

“Yeah I can see. I don’t know which one of them it was, but I know it was one of them.” The boy was surly and fresh bandaged from the emergency room.

“How do you know it was one of them?” The officer asked and the boy explained, “I was at the golf course with that stuck-up one last month and she wouldn’t put out. I tried hard too. Dick tease. Shoulda took the slut. And then last night that one told me that if I ever even looked at any of them again she would squeeze my boys until they exploded. Then when I got up to see the fireworks, one of them attacked me from behind and sucker punched me to the ground. Then they did this to me. Nobody heard me yellin’. I wrestled away when one had me in a scissor hold and I bit her leg good. Otherwise we’d be here for murder.”

Alma laughed and blurted, “That is so funny. You would be in the morgue if you had been murdered silly.”

Alice slapped Alma’s arm and asked the officer, “Can we just show you our legs to check for bite marks? That way this loser can be satisfied that he was not humiliated by any of us? We’re all wearing skirts it will be easy and you will have our full cooperation. The mother has her permanent consent for body searches on file here too. That’s common knowledge.”

While the officer considered this the boy looked across the table to the three girls. Alice seemed upset and nervous. Alma was examining the officer’s trousers as if they were from outer space. And then he paused on April who had been giving him the stink eye and holding up her middle finger to him the entire time with out flinching.

“Officer? Is she allowed to flip me off like that?” The boy nodded to April who added another hand to the performance and leaned forward bearing her teeth at him.

“Ah . . . That’s a good idea Alice. Let’s see those bite marks, if there are any, and this will be done. Tiffany can you take these girls to the next room and check them out!” Thinking this the easy way out of a potentially newspaper worthy confrontation the officer motioned for the girls to follow is colleague to the next room.

After Tiffany had relayed her findings the officer was relieved, “I am so sorry to have put you through this girls. You can go now.” The officer looked back at the boy and shrugged, “If you can find me the bite marks that match your story I will be there for you, Paul.”

Outside Alice’s poker face and fast thinking impressed her sisters who were both fighting smiles awkwardly. “Really April, when one is interrogated one should at least wear one’s own underwear. And really I never thought you’d date a guy who’d wear briefs.” April shrugged, “I was in a hurry. Man, that officer had a nice weapon.”

Alma, a little confused due to a rather high dose of antibiotics and some blood loss said, “But he didn’t have a gun. I checked for a gun just in case . . . Oh you’re being perverted again. I getcha. Ha. Can you believe that wuss ass thought he bit me in the leg?”

“Hey, uhm, Messy Sally? I am not trying to ruin your fun or anything but I have to ask, why do you have my sister up against that wall?” Alma had taken a seat in the booth next to which Alice was being suspended by one man of a woman about two inches above the ground.

“Snotty girl looked at me and she think she’s better ‘n me. Well,” Messy Sally never took her eyes from Alice’s but moved closer to drive her point home, “she ain’t better ‘n me.”

“Look Sally, our Aunt Bea just died okay? Cut her some slack with the facial expressions. She’s mourning for Pete’s sake. And look what your doing to your jack and Coke hand, Sally. Do you really want to put a strain on that?” Alma wished she had a drink to sip instead of drumming the table.

“Oh. Okay. Sorry about that. Bea was a great old bat.” Sally stopped pushing Alice up the wall and walked to the bathroom shaking her drinking hand in an effort at resuscitation.

“She did not apologize for her horrific behavior, “ Alice noted, “She only said she was sorry about Aunt Bea’s supposed dying.” Alma rolled her eyes at Alice but before they were to the whites she heard a murmur from the restroom.

“Hell yeah! Alright! Drinks on me everybody!” April just leaving the mistaken condolences of Messy Sally was overcome. “Aunt Bea done kicked it people! Whachoo drankin’!?”

Alma raised a finger to the dual purpose of quieting Alice and ordering, “I will have two double long islands.”

Alice gave Alma a sterner than usual look. “When are you going to tell her that Aunt Bea is alive and that you were just getting rid of that brute?”

“I suppose after you order something. That okay with you?” April delivered Alma’s drinks and caught the tail end of the question and looked inquisitively to Alice.

Alice looked at her fingers, acknowledged a certain wisdom and coughed a little before ceding, “I’ll have a Michelob Light. Thanks.”

The two sat on a large piece of sandstone and looked out at the waves that were fading.

“Pretty soon it’s going to be glassy and then it’ll get quiet and then bugs will get us. Wanna go?” She leaned over nudging his shoulder with hers.

“No. I want to stay here for a while if you don’t mind. I don’t get to do this often.” His eyes stayed forward and he looked for the world like he was making a decision of great importance.

“Well, I do it all the time. Take a word and keep it will you? It’s all nothing but this everywhere if you’re doing it right.” She shoved her feet up under her bum and began to lift herself.

He put a hand up to her forearm to give her pause, “No. You stay too.”

“Okay. I’ll warn you right now that I won’t shut up, not with another living soul here. Not with everything that can happen.” She settled back down and he looked to her a bit offended.

“I would never touch you, you know that.” His defense was mistaken.

The wind was giving up its last big effort for the night and she enjoyed the way it made her hair tickle her arms, “No you. No and no again. I have all the time that is to be alone and so do you and so do we all. When it is that we are not and know it, then that moment shall be spent in communication and proof of the fact that we are alive. Anything less is profanity and I will not tolerate it. Verbal or non, I will not be silent. And you cannot make me. And what the hell? You would never touch me? Thanks a lot. What the heck is wrong with me? Bastard.”

He drank up her silliness, looked back at the water and pulled her head to his shoulder to rest. “Just rest now. I can hear you breathing. That is enough for me. Is that enough for you?”

She padded her hands against his shoulder to make it comfortable and stuffed herself into the crook of him, “Yeah, it’s enough. And I wouldn’t have you anyway. Just so we are clear on that.”

“We’re clear.”

“I saw you kiss him. Somebody took a picture too.” Alma was dipping cheese puffs into her chocolate milk pretending that she wasn’t needling Alice.

“No way did somebody get a picture of that. I didn’t . . . well, he kissed me first!” Alice shifted defensively in her chair.

“It is surprising to me. All the evidence seemed to point to April being the first to be kissed by a boy.” Alma shoved a soaking bit into her mouth as she and Alice looked out of the kitchen window at April holding her dress up to show her new underwear to the cars that passed by the house.

“It was no big deal. He likes me that’s all. So, who took that picture anyway?” Alice was pretending to be nonchalant.

“Don’t panic, Alice. I doubt anyone cares that you kissed the stupidest boy on our street.” Alma pricked away, “And the ugliest, and wow, he is the smelliest too isn’t he?”

“No. J.J. is smellier.” Alice kept good track of such things.

“That’s right. I guess you have nothing to be embarrassed about then.” Alma got up to rinse her glass and hands, “I wouldn’t worry about that photo.”

Alice got up to go outside and see to April who had finally achieved her goal of getting a car to pull into the driveway and was explaining her theory that daisies are better than roses on underwear and before the screen door snapped behind Alice she called back, “Oh! The mother is going to the store in a few and wants to know if we need anything. You have to tell her. I don’t know what we need.”

Alma waited at the sink and the mother hurried through to find her purse. “What do we need Alma? I am in a hurry. Can you write it down?”

Alma handed her mother a complete list of her sisters and her needs for the week and an long envelope.

“What’s this? Film? Okay, I’ll drop it off. Thank you for filling out the envelope form. You are such a good girl.”

“Watch out for Jordan. He scored so high on those tests and now he’s running all over telling people what he thinks. Like it’s some kind of big favor. Hannah scored as high as he did and she isn’t being a jerk.” Alice sat next to Alma in the school cafeteria to deliver the warning.

Alma sipped at her chocolate milk and waited for the real reason Alice had broken their at school social separation agreement. It came as Alice kept her eyes on the roving Jordan, “So then. Cough it up. What did you score, Alma? I know you. You are the only one here who could blow that idiot out of the water. Give.”

“I scored the way I wanted to score.” Alma was non-plussed and she began to line up her cheese doodles in order of importance.

“What the heck does that mean, Alma?” Alice had about a thirty second tank of patience for mental games by Alma’s calculations.

“It means I kept myself out of the basement and away from classes with the likes of Jordan too. Sorry to disappoint you, Alice, but I have my own objectives to consider.” Alma made eye contact with her older sister to demonstrate her gravity.

“I bet you can’t hold that face for thirty seconds.” April had sidled up beside her sisters when she noticed the uncharacteristic public fraternization. “Oh, here comes the jackass. I cannot wait until he tries something here. Oh God! Let him try something here!”

Jordan did head their way but not so much due to April’s impromptu prayer but more because she was blowing kisses to him. “Hello girls! How is everyone today? Hey there Alma. How’d you score?” Alice answered for Alma in her best snub, “She scored the way she wanted to.”

Jordan folded his arms and looked Alice up and down, “You know Alice if you lost some weight you might be attractive.”

April muttered under her breath, “Oh yeah, this is going to be good later.”

“What’s that April?” Jordan asked and Alma responded for them all while getting up, “Oh she is just waiting for me to give you some clever comeback in Alice’s defense but I wouldn’t have the time have to explain it. You understand.” Jordan moved aside for Alma to take her tray back to the kitchen and then looked puzzled. Alice left the table smirking at his confusion.

April’s hand went to his shoulder in consolation, “S’okay J baby. I like simple boys. What’re you doing this weekend?”

“Just hold your head still, Alma. I’m almost done.” April used her softest tones to keep Alma from walking away before her Walgreens bathroom make-over was complete.

“There. What do you think?” April pointed Alma’s body at the sink mirror. “I look like a whore. Good job, Ape. Why am I doing this anyway? I give up.” Dejected and uncomfortable, Alma left the restroom and almost immediately ran into a young man.

“Hey Alma! How’s it going? I got those articles you said you wanted to read from my dad’s stuff. I’ll give them to you at school okay? ” He was almost pure nerd but not quite. He had a shred of self confidence and a penchant for explosives. In other words, he was near perfect genetic material to Alma.

All too aware of her painted face Alma tried to gain her voice, “Oh thanks. That would be great.” The pause as he looked at her curiously was very awkward, but he did not seem to notice. “Wow Alma, you sure look pretty today.”

Alma then did gain her composure and her voice in a nanosecond, “Oh. I see the very first time I venture into the misogynistic world of face painting and you notice. How very evolved of you. I’ll see you in school.” And she turned right around and went back into the bathroom leaving the young specimen to nod and be on his way.

“So,” Chirped the peeping April, “If you wa . . . ”

“Shut up April and fix my eyes. He looked for two seconds at the left corner of my right eye. I do not want to distract …” April returned the cut off, “No. You want to attract! Hot damn Alma has a pulse!”

Alice knocked and then barged into the tiny space, “Hey. That’s my lip gloss. And my liner. What is this about? Alma? Did you lose a bet to April again?”

“Alma likes a boy and she let me make her pretty for him. Isn’t that cute?” April was filled with sisterly love and it seemed to be spreading as Alice joined in and patted Alma’s hair. “How darling is that! You can use what you need, Alma. Who knows when this train will come round again. I am so proud of you!”

“I will kill you both in your sleep. I mean it.” Alma lead the way out and to the wagon and all were silent.

As they were getting in Alice broke the precarious accord, “So this is a living boy right? I mean your not getting all dolled up for some dead poet are you?”

April watched Alma’s face begin to redden, “Oh, this is gonna be good.”

“Where are you going?” Alice wasn’t usually so nosey but as Alma had just topped her backpacking with a baggie full of matches at three am, she thought it would be prudent to inquire.

“None of your business, Alice.” Alma whispered with a tone of warning that made Alice guess as to the reason for her supposed departure.

“Are you leaving because that nerdy boy doesn’t like you? That’s so stupid, Alma. Boys shouldn’t affect anything you think, say or do.” In hushed tones Alice recited her own rules for dealing with men as if they were common knowledge.

“First, that nerdy boy is my friend and we are going out this weekend. Second, with your relationship logic it makes sense why your Bill was down at The Lemontree getting drunk last night.”

April in a loud stage whisper called up to the bedroom window where the two girls were standing, “Now!”

The backpack hit the drive and April caught it on the first bounce, ran to a motorcycle at the end of the driveway, hopped on back and was gone in the night.

“Who the hell was that scumball she ran away with?” Alice pulled Alma to look her in the face.

“Watch your language, Alice. You are talking about your first new brother-in-law. Granted, he will probably be one of many, but let’s be nice.” Alma left the room knowing Alice would fly after her.

During the time it took to avoid creeky stairs and make their way down to the back porch to talk out of parental ear shot, Alice did some figuring.

On the porch they both observed the starry sky as if it were an altar, “Did you pack that fake tube of lipstick with money in it?” Alice finally asked.

“Three of ‘em.”