The A Girls Archive

“What the hell is going on with you?” April’s concern was evident before she even spoke as she had kicked Alma in the side of the head.

“I was looking at a turtle and if you ever do that again I will rip your damned leg off. Now, what in the sam hill are you talking about.”

“I heard that you were going out with Ricky this weekend.” April folded her arms as if this information was enough to cause a boot to the head.

“Yeah I am. He asked and I thought it was a decent idea. What’s your problem?”

“For starters he is a loser. He is not good enough for you. He is boring. He is an ass and he is not worth your time. If you marry him I will kick you in the face. God will hurt you if you breed with him. I cannot believe how low your standards are. You cannot date that jerk.” April continued to hold her arms around her body and shifted in her shoes.

“Listen Ape, I have my reasons and he is not all that bad.” Alma gave up looking for the turtle and stood upright.

“But he is boring. Give me that at least.” Alma nodded at April, “I’ll give you that.”

Alice pulled up at the end of the walk and the girls loaded into the car. “I hear you’re going out with Ricky this weekend. His daddy’s the one with the explosives in the basement right?”

Alma looked out of the back passenger window, “Yeah.”

“Well damn Alma. Why didn’t you say so to start?” April put a hand back to Alma in a gesture of pure love, “I would never have kicked you in the head if I knew you were going to blow stuff up. I am sorry, Alma.”

“S’okay. I blowing up your last ex-boyfriend’s boat.” All three girls nodded understanding as wind from the road messed their hair.

“Technically, it’s a dingy not a boat. And why are you going to blow it up anyway?” April asked Alma about her intentions a few days after accepting the inevitable.

“I know what it is and I am blowing it up because I need to make some noise off shore and some light too. Got fireworks to go on top and a timing mechanism that’s outta sight. Just have to figure out how to get it out on the lake and swim back to shore before she blows. Any ideas?”

April considered this, “Have you asked Alice? I think she’ll know.”

Alma rolled her eyes until it hurt, “She’s angry with me for that bug incident.”

“I’ll do it. Be right back.” April ran up the stairs to Alice’s fortress and ignoring all set and written rules jumped into her room without knocking.

“What up meanie? Hey, got a problem for you . . .”

Alice turned a page in her romance novel and without looking up said, “You get another boat and tow the one you’re going to leave.”

“Oh yeah, great thinkin’ meanie.” April headed out but not without feeling the brunt of a penny loafer to her shoulder.

Later at the corner ice cream shop, Alma and old Besty sat to chat over chocolate sodas.

“So why do you need my brother’s canoe?” Betsy sipped her ice cream soda completely oblivious to the reason it was bought for her.

Alma bit her lip and redirected the conversation, “So Betsy, you have plans for the fourth?”

“Yeah! We’re going to my uncle’s in Idaho and . . .” Alma stopped listening and waited until words ceased leaking out of Betsy to ask one last question.

Upon returning home Alma set out to sharpen her tools. “Why you getting the lock picks ready? Oh come on, just let me help. I’m bored.” April had finished a large glass of red pop and was quite energized. “It’s the fourth right? A little stereotypical isn’t it?”

“Plausible deniability.” Alma said and both girls got to cleaning the set.

Alice came downstairs to refresh her tea and the girls looked up at her concerned. “Uhm, can you be more obvious?”

Alma, by way of distraction, piped up, “We need a wagon. Kiss some boy April and get a wagon. We have to get the canoe to the water.”

Both girls looked at Alice expecting a zinger for April to whine over but none came.

“Come on Alice. That’s right up your alley and an easy one too.” Alma encouraged the normalcy of their sibling rivalry and April, forever giving of herself in so many ways added, “Yeah! Where’s my whore joke?”

Alice took her tea and headed back for the stairs, “Just not myself yet I guess. I suppose I don’t want to know what you two are really up to anyway hunh? Dingy for fireworks my bum.”

After she’d gone Alma and April shared a look and a nod. No better pep talk had ever crossed their paths.

“You still have those brass knuckles, Alma?”

“Yep. Top drawer of my desk.”

“If you can see, can you tell me which girl you think it was?’ The uniformed officer was gentle with the boy and tried to keep from wincing when he looked at his young mangled face.

“Yeah I can see. I don’t know which one of them it was, but I know it was one of them.” The boy was surly and fresh bandaged from the emergency room.

“How do you know it was one of them?” The officer asked and the boy explained, “I was at the golf course with that stuck-up one last month and she wouldn’t put out. I tried hard too. Dick tease. Shoulda took the slut. And then last night that one told me that if I ever even looked at any of them again she would squeeze my boys until they exploded. Then when I got up to see the fireworks, one of them attacked me from behind and sucker punched me to the ground. Then they did this to me. Nobody heard me yellin’. I wrestled away when one had me in a scissor hold and I bit her leg good. Otherwise we’d be here for murder.”

Alma laughed and blurted, “That is so funny. You would be in the morgue if you had been murdered silly.”

Alice slapped Alma’s arm and asked the officer, “Can we just show you our legs to check for bite marks? That way this loser can be satisfied that he was not humiliated by any of us? We’re all wearing skirts it will be easy and you will have our full cooperation. The mother has her permanent consent for body searches on file here too. That’s common knowledge.”

While the officer considered this the boy looked across the table to the three girls. Alice seemed upset and nervous. Alma was examining the officer’s trousers as if they were from outer space. And then he paused on April who had been giving him the stink eye and holding up her middle finger to him the entire time with out flinching.

“Officer? Is she allowed to flip me off like that?” The boy nodded to April who added another hand to the performance and leaned forward bearing her teeth at him.

“Ah . . . That’s a good idea Alice. Let’s see those bite marks, if there are any, and this will be done. Tiffany can you take these girls to the next room and check them out!” Thinking this the easy way out of a potentially newspaper worthy confrontation the officer motioned for the girls to follow is colleague to the next room.

After Tiffany had relayed her findings the officer was relieved, “I am so sorry to have put you through this girls. You can go now.” The officer looked back at the boy and shrugged, “If you can find me the bite marks that match your story I will be there for you, Paul.”

Outside Alice’s poker face and fast thinking impressed her sisters who were both fighting smiles awkwardly. “Really April, when one is interrogated one should at least wear one’s own underwear. And really I never thought you’d date a guy who’d wear briefs.” April shrugged, “I was in a hurry. Man, that officer had a nice weapon.”

Alma, a little confused due to a rather high dose of antibiotics and some blood loss said, “But he didn’t have a gun. I checked for a gun just in case . . . Oh you’re being perverted again. I getcha. Ha. Can you believe that wuss ass thought he bit me in the leg?”